Promised Land: An Abridged Script
by somedayangeline
Summary: Matt Damon tackles fracking.


PROMISED LAND: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT

INT. A GENERAL STORE in the MIDDLE of NOWHERE, er. the MIDWEST

MATT DAMON  
(holds up a pair of pants)  
"Do these jeans make my hips look too big?"

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
"What is this: Queer Eye for the Midwestern Guy? I don't think it matters. Everyone's big here."

MATT DAMON  
"Seriously, if we want to blend in, we've got to dress the part."

TITUS WELLIVER  
(pops up from nowhere)  
"Oh look, it's the Big Oil people come to town."

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
"Well, we're off to a great start."

In order to establish that she is a normal human with a life outside her job, FRANCES MCDORMAND goes back to the motel to video chat with her son, while MATT DAMON, apparently an emotional orphan, goes around offering bribes to get people on his side.

INT. A BAR

ROSEMARIE DEWITT  
"Wanna play a drinking game?"

MATT DAMON  
"Cool! Making an ass out of myself in front of the local yokels will surely put them all on my side!"

He does and wakes up on ROSEMARIE'S couch.

MATT DAMON  
"Uh….did anything happen between us?"

ROSEMARIE DEWITT  
"You puked, then passed out.

MATT DAMON  
"Oops. So I guess you never want to see me again, right?"'

ROSEMARIE DEWITT  
"Well, acting like you're in freshman year when you're 38 is usually a turnoff, unless you're MATT DAMON. So no, I don't mind if we happen to run into each other again."

MATT DAMON  
"Cool!"

INT. A SCHOOL GYM

MATT DAMON  
"So, I'm here today to talk to you about selling your land, so we can FRACK. Basically, we drill into the ground until we hit some shale. That's it. If you let us buy your land, you can make out really well financially. Because let's face it, you're probably in debt up to your eyeballs and can use the money."

HAL HOLBROOK  
"Not so fast, Mr. Big City Bigshot. You aren't telling these good folks the truth about FRACKING. Half of them think that it's what you use when you're paranoid about saying the F-word, but it's way more than that. It causes major damage to the environment, just for starters."

MATT DAMON  
"How dare you imply that I'm misleading these Midwest simpletons? But we can agree to disagree. Still, I'm guessing your character is going to be a major headache for me, right?"

HAL HOLBROOK  
"Actually, I disappear from the movie entirely after this scene, only to pop up once the audience has forgotten all about me."

MATT DAMON  
"Whew, I was worried there for a….."

JOHN KRASINSKI  
(stage whisper)  
"Not so fast!"

INT. THE BAR

JOHN KRASINSKI  
(gets up to take the mic)  
"Attention, please, I am the real villain of this story. Just kidding. I'm the leader of an environmental group that is going to tell you the truth about FRACKING. The farm that had been in my family for generations was destroyed, - and here's a photo of a dead cow to prove it!"

MATT DAMON  
(furrows brow)  
"What? The? Frack?"

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"I'm on your side, folks! To prove it, I'm gonna sing a Bruce Springsteen song!"

He does. Everyone is immediately won over, while MATT DAMON fumes into his beer.

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
"Calm down. All we have to do is offer him some money, and he'll go away. Jeez, what happened to the wheeler dealer in the first few scenes?"

MATT DAMON  
"Oops. Temporary amnesia."

EXT. A COUNTRY LANE

MATT DAMON  
"What is JOHN doing?"

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
"He appears to be putting up anti-Global signs. Hey, you!"

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"Yeah?"

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
"You took our bribe. So what the frack?"

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"Oops. Hey, it's a free country. Besides, you're not seriously going to tell me you can't handle a few signs?"

MATT DAMON  
"But you're making everyone think that we're the bad guys, and it's not fair!"

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"You ARE the bad guys!"

MATT DAMON  
"Am not, not, not!"

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"Are too, too, too, too!"

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
"Guys, let's curtail the pissing contest, please."

While MATT frowns, furrows his brow and fumes, JOHN continues his grassroots efforts, including going into schools and setting toy farms on fire to prove that FRACKING is bad. Why MATT hasn't dealt with these tactics before is never addressed.

EXT. A FIELD

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
"What are you doing?"

MATT DAMON  
"I'm gonna hold a county fair!"

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
"I see, you've drunk the Kool-Aid."

MATT DAMON  
"The lemonade, and that's not until…oh, just help me."

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
(rolls eyes)  
"Suit yourself."

EXT. THE FAIRGROUND, SOMETIME LATER

MATT DAMON  
"Grrrr! It's raining; it's pouring!"

HAL HOLBROOK  
(drives up)  
"WE BOUGHT A ZOO called. It wants its PLOT TWIST back."

MATT DAMON  
"Oh shut up."

HAL HOLBROOK  
"By the way, you're invited to dinner."

EXT. A PORCH

HAL HOLBROOK  
"Those Miniature horses out there? They're a metaphor."

MATT DAMON  
"That's nice."

HOL HOLBROOK  
"Some think they're an abomination that doesn't belong here. Like you. But they have their uses. Or maybe they're supposed to be representative of the land which doesn't get the respect it deserves by your company. Whatever. What I'm trying to say is, I don't have all the answers either."

MATT DAMON  
(furrows brow)

INT. A BAR

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"MATT, you're going to need major Botox if you keep that up. Just a suggestion."

MATT DAMON  
"Excuse me?"

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"I know you're trying to express EMOTIONAL TURMOIL and MORAL CONFLICT by furrowing your brow a lot, but trust me, you don't want your face to freeze that way."

MATT DAMON  
"Have you ever considered working for GLOBAL? You're pretty sharp."

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"Nah. Anyway, I'm just here to pick up ROSEMARIE."

MATT DAMON  
"Grrr!"

INT. A POST OFFICE

MATT DAMON  
(opens envelope)  
"Holy shit. The big red circle around the LIGHTHOUSE proves this dead cow photo is a FAKE. 'Cause there aren't any lighthouses in the Midwest where the photo's supposed to be taken Yes!"

EXT. OUTSIDE the MOTEL

MATT DAMON  
"Ha, not so fast, JOHN. Did you really think you wouldn't be exposed in the end?"

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"What did you expect? I'm just a little guy up against a big mean corporation."

MATT DAMON  
"Liar, liar, pants on fire, sitting on a telephone wire…"

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"Yeah, well you're just a puppet, too. We're both hired by GLOBAL. They thought they'd have better luck controlling a fake anti-fracking group. When it's discovered I'm a fraud, the people will vote the way they're supposed to - FOR fracking."

MATT DAMON  
"?"

JOHN KRASINSKI  
"Not a bad plot twist, huh? How do you like THEM apples?"

MATT DAMON  
(furrows brow)  
"Wormy."

INT. OUTSIDE the AUDITORIUM

MATT DAMON  
"This fresh-squeezed lemonade you made is awesome."

ADORABLE CHILD  
"I know!"

MATT DAMON  
"Not only that, but it's a METAPHOR."

ADORABLE CHILD  
"I know! That'll be twenty-five cents, please."

MATT DAMON walks out into the auditorium and faces the crowd. He unrolls the INFAMOUS PLOT DEVICE, er. PHONY PHOTO.

"By now, you've probably all heard about how JON lied. Well, he was actually working for GLOBAL - that's right, the same company I'm from. You're being MANIPULATED, folks. You're supposed to get super-angry and vote to sell your land to GLOBAL. I think you all deserve the chance to know the TRUTH and vote knowing that. Thank you."

EXT. THE PARKING LOT

FRANCES McDORMAND  
"MATT, I've just gotten a call telling me that you're FIRED."

MATT DAMON  
"I figured as much."

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
"I gather that no one is going to bring up the fact that job-hunting in this abysmal economy isn't going to be a breeze."

MATT DAMON  
"When life hands you lemons….."

FRANCES MCDORMAND  
"MATT, as you yourself pointed out in an earlier scene, life is hard when you no longer have any FUCK YOU MONEY."

MATT DAMON  
"Oh well. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see about a girl."

EXT. A PORCH

MATT DAMON  
"Now that I have absolutely no career prospects, I'd love to move in with you and be your boyfriend."

ROSEMARIE DEWITT  
"Well, usually, if you're 38 and don't have a job, that wouldn't be a turn-on for a smart woman, but you're MATT DAMON. So why not?"

They live happily ever after in the land of MOVIE MAKE-BELIEVE.

END


End file.
